Talk:What the Moon Sees/@comment-28266772-20170116164639
Immediately I can tell the blood is from Joe, it tastes like him, the image of rose petals falling gently to the floor that I’ve come to associate with him, unmistakable in its simple beauty. The style of this story stuck out to me the most. It’s fitting given the content that the style is sensual and appealing; it mirrors the theme of vampirism and the power of seduction. I highlighted the line I did because it’s a beautiful and poetic line that is pleasant to read. Whether it’s the scent of rose petals, the motion of them falling or the taste of blood; it’s a great way to immerse the reader in plain, but elegant, prose which has meaning in the context of the plot. Similarly I liked the contrast between the rapist orderly’s use of brute force and the vampire’s own use of brute force; both represent a kind of rape threat but in completely different ways. They make for interesting comparisons and help filled the story out with a compelling plotline and characters. I also like stories where nasty people get their comeuppance and this guy certainly deserved it! He was a bit cartoonish at times and I thought his grotesque qualities worked against the elegance of the prose and atmosphere but I also respected the idea that, being a rapist, he was never going to be a warm presence in the prose. He may have felt a bit over the top but it certainly worked in the story's favour when he got eviscerated. Also I’d love to praise your development of the setting. I think the line ‘her beams breaking through the steadily falling snow outside and washing the undecorated walls of my room in pale light’ is a great example of how you craft the feeling of a place before revealing it. There’s a slow tranquillity to the setting that’s well reflected in the snowy imagery and peaceful presence of the moon, but you cleverly pair it with the strong undercurrent of threat present in both. The stereotypical image of a clinical setting like this is one of lobotomites fumbling about slowly in bright white corridors, slow in mind and slow in body, while the world whirls on around them. I thought this archetype was perfectly, and economically, invoked in your use of language (“sitting slack-jawed and empty-eyed”) and I really appreciated the way it shaped the story. It felt not outright-threatening, but instead uncomfortable, and unpleasant. I could almost feel the cold, and see the shitty décor of the hospital. Typically I dislike psychics in stories but I liked the use here. It was put to effective use and let you characterise the orderly, Joe, and the main character much more efficiently. It didn’t feel gimmicky, and I appreciated that. My only real (and minor) complaint would be that the vampire was a bit of a weak spot; we see nothing of it and its presence feels secondary to the orderly. I think a bit more cohesion could have helped this along. In fact, being honest, I think the biggest weakness of this story is it feels like the first chapter of a book; I can almost see the inevitable plot threads developing after the final words. This obviously goes a long way to show how well you crafted the setting, characters etc. but it still means that it ultimately lacks the necessary sense of closure. Like I said though, minor complaints. This is an incredible story and picking between it and Killahawke’s entry was not easy!!